Category Archives: Insight

A Moment of Insight: Money Talks

moneytalks

As a person who watched Money Talks in the year 2014, I can safely say that no one has watched this entire movie. I had definitely only ever seen maybe fifteen minutes in the middle. I figured it for a hilarious biracial buddy movie in the vein of Rush Hour, only with less martial arts and comedically dicey ethnic misunderstandings and a lot of Charlie Sheen pretending to act. There’s so much more murder than you would expect, though, and everything happens so quickly that you never actually understand why everyone’s so upset. Chris Tucker breaks out of jail and nabs some diamonds from an ambiguously European convict, and somehow only disgraced reporter Charlie Sheen can help him? It’s as if someone tried to stuff a bunch of sort-of jokes into The Fugitive. Charlie Sheen, of course, is both the one-armed man and Tommy Lee Jones in that scenario. Chris Tucker should work on something with Harrison Ford. I would like to see Chris Tucker cast in every movie in some capacity. What I’m trying to say is, a whole lot of people get shot or blown up in Money Talks and I can’t believe it but the reason is “diamonds.”

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A Moment of Insight: Wayne’s World

What else was going to happen in Crucial Taunt’s music video? I’m sure Benjamin, as the director for some reason, had a lengthy and elaborate shoot planned. I’m seeing more misty shots of the band playing, some redemption for the sleeping snake, a brief arc in which we think a wild animal is chasing the band but it turns out to just be more “rocker” types looking to have a jungle-party, exotic women in bikinis playing with exotic birds, and so many waterfalls. And that’s all in addition to the generous amount of wailing and boob-related footage that they’d already shot. All told, it was probably going to be a pretty expensive undertaking. To hazard a guess, probably $5,000,000? Wayne really screwed things up for Benjamin here*.

*Depending on which of Wayne’s realities you believe we live in.

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A Moment of Insight: Jim Carrey


Civilizations of the future will look back on the career of Jim Carrey, and they will think, “What the fuck is going on here?” Then, subsequently, “Never since has there been a greater master of the physical comedies.”

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A Moment of Insight: The Mask

Movies don’t pump out the catchphrases like they used to, and that’s a goddamn shame. The Mask is a shining example of this practice perhaps just years, if not mere hours, before it entered its death throes. Example:

SMOKING.
SOMEBODY, STOP ME.
THAT IS A SPICY MEAT-BALL.
IT IS PARTY TIME.

Classics, all of them. I wonder if it was hard to write a script in which one character must speak entirely in punchlines. Luckily, the premise resonates with anybody who has ever held a mask in his hands and felt immediately compelled to press it to his face.

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A Moment of Insight: Spice World

Even thought it’s just a ninety-minute ad/”Hard Day’s Night” rip-off, Spice World is brilliant. People know that right? People are aware that it’s a postmodern masterpiece, a delicate balance of absurdity, “acting”, hit singles, and famous guest stars? Meat Loaf! Alan Cumming! Fry and Laurie! George Wendt! If you’re feeling bad about yourself, put on Spice World and remember that nothing matters.

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A Moment of Insight: Independence Day

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Must go faster…but why?

The end of Independence Day is incredible and triumphant, a testament to mankind’s will, ingenuity, and perseverance, but does anyone else feel intense anxiety at the thought of the massive (literal and metaphorical) cleanup that lies ahead of these characters? Humongous downed spaceships, flaming wreckage streaking across the sky, wide swaths of major cities demolished, charred bodies in the streets and millions without homes. The course of human history has been altered completely. It’ll take decades to rebuild all that was destroyed, generations to mentally process the tragedy. And for the most part, it happened for no reason; the aliens were there to harvest resources or something, which I guess after they were going to get around to after they killed everyone and destroyed all those American landmarks that they knew about, obviously. The characters should take a moment to bask in their victory. But it can’t be long before reality sets in, right? The remainder of every survivor’s life is going to be very difficult. It seems unlikely that stability will be restored until well into adulthood for the President’s daughter and Hiller’s son. They may be left wondering, “Was it worth it?”

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